Jun 6, 2025 – Day 3 in Laos
Hello. Today marks the third day of Sunim’s visit to Laos.
After completing his morning practice and meditation, Sunim continued with scheduled meetings from yesterday. He had back-to-back meetings throughout the entire day.
As the sun set and 6 PM arrived, Sunim headed to Vientiane Airport to return to Korea. After completing departure procedures, he waited at the boarding gate and departed from Vientiane Airport at 8 PM.
The plane flew for 1 hour and 15 minutes and landed at Ho Chi Minh Airport in Vietnam, the transit point, at 9:15 PM local time. Sunim waited at the airport for 2 hours and 30 minutes to change planes. During the wait, he worked on various tasks, including proofreading manuscripts.
When boarding time arrived, Sunim boarded the plane again and departed from Ho Chi Minh Airport at 11:45 PM, heading for Incheon Airport. Sunim took a short nap while sitting in his seat on the plane.
Since there was no Dharma talk today, I would like to share a conversation between Sunim and a questioner from the Friday Dharma Q&A held at the Jungto Social and Cultural Center on the 30th of last month.
I Want to Marry My Boyfriend, but He Says He needs His Mother’s Permission First.
“Do you like your boyfriend that much?”
“I think he’s great.”
“If you like him that much, start living together from today. You’re adults, aren’t you? What is marriage? Living together is marriage.
Marriage is between two people. You’re not marrying your mother-in-law, so why do you need her permission? You can get married with just your family knowing, or you can do it quietly with just the two of you. If your boyfriend says he can’t do that, then just live together. If he says he can’t even do that, just say, “Then let’s meet again if we’re meant to be in the future,” and let him go.
Behind the words ‘I need my mother’s permission,’ there’s actually a desire to receive financial support or blessings from the parents. But if the parents oppose, it’s difficult to receive financial support. If you decide to get married without parental help, you can get married even without permission. The issue is whether your own intention is firm.
If your boyfriend keeps making excuses about his parents and hesitating, it might not be because he’s deeply filial, but because he’s not 100% certain about you. It means he’s not sure enough to marry you despite parental opposition. That doesn’t mean you’re lacking in any way.
These days, many people live together without getting married. First, check if your boyfriend really wants to get married, and if so, whether he’s willing to marry without parental permission. If he says it’s difficult without parental help, ask him ‘How much support can we get?’ After hearing the answer, you might conclude ‘If we can get that much support, let’s wait a bit.’ Or conversely, you might say ‘I can handle that level of support myself without your parents. Let’s just get married!’ What I’m saying is to approach this practically. (laughs)
Don’t force or intimidate him, but carefully talk about why this is happening. If your boyfriend is a mama’s boy, no matter how nice he is, he might not be suitable as a marriage partner. From what your mother-in-law said, she’s reluctant to bring in a new daughter-in-law because of conflicts with the first daughter-in-law, right? That means she’s judging marriage not from her son’s perspective but from her own. In that case, you don’t need to consider the mother-in-law’s opposition much. It’s a self-centered judgment.
However, if there are economic benefits behind your boyfriend’s desire to get parental permission, then no matter how difficult the mother-in-law is, it’s worth considering. But if your boyfriend is just hesitating without such practical reasons, this is an issue you need to resolve through conversation with him. If there’s a clear reason like military service, being abroad, or illness, it would be worth waiting. But if he keeps postponing without any clear reason, that’s a waste of time. No matter how much you like someone, there’s no need to waste time. Just because you like someone doesn’t mean you have to marry them. Marriage is about actually living together, while dating is just about liking each other. That’s why you can date one person but marry someone else. It’s best to sort this out as soon as possible. If it’s worth waiting, you could wait even 10 years, but if it’s not worth it, you need to make a decision.”
“Your words really touched my heart, Sunim.”
“You can get married tomorrow. The Buddhist way of getting married is very simple. Two people go to the temple with seven lotus flowers. The woman holds all seven flowers, and when the man says ‘I want to marry you,’ the woman says ‘Yes’ and hands him five flowers. Then the woman says ‘I love you,’ and when the man responds ‘Yes,’ she gives him the remaining two flowers. This way, all seven lotus flowers that the woman initially held are transferred to the man. The man offers those seven flowers to the Buddha and then they bow together. That’s it. Who officiated the wedding? The Buddha did. Don’t worry about marriage registration either. Since you’re both adults, just go to the district office and submit the marriage registration form.
But if you need financial support from your parents, you shouldn’t do it this way. In that case, you need to judge carefully. For example, let’s say you work and earn 3 million won a month, spend 2 million won on living expenses, and save 1 million won. If you save for a year, that’s 10 million won. To save 100 million won would take about 10 years. But if you can receive 300 million won by staying in your parents’ good graces, which is more advantageous? There’s no reason to work yourself to the bone. It’s much better to speak nicely to your parents and receive support. (laughs)
Of course, it’s not right to depend on parents who can’t afford to help. But if they can afford it but won’t help because they’re upset, you might need to approach this a bit selfishly. The person with money is always in the position of power. If I love a man, naturally that person becomes the one with power. If I’m too attached to something, I always have to live as the subordinate. If you truly like someone, you need to be prepared to be in the subordinate position. 
However, many people want to be in the dominant position even when they like someone. That’s a wrong mindset from the start. If you truly love someone, you should be able to confess with the attitude of ‘You are my king’ and be willing to take the subordinate position. That way, unnecessary conflicts won’t arise. When I like someone, I naturally become conscious of them and naturally take the subordinate position. Now it’s time for you to have the right perspective and organize your thoughts. As an adult over twenty years old, you shouldn’t still be talking like a child.”
“Thank you. I understand well.”
Tomorrow, Sunim will arrive at Incheon Airport at 5:50 AM. In the morning, he will attend the Jungto Society’s Jaja (pravarana) retreat to give the opening Dharma talk, then meet with Frank Jannuzi, President of the Mansfield Foundation who is visiting Korea. In the afternoon, he will meet with Lynn Lee, Deputy Director of NED, give the closing Dharma talk for the Jaja retreat, and in the evening, depart for the United States to meet with U.S. government, congressional, and think tank officials for peace on the Korean Peninsula.
